[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
You Might Also Like
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
“our sushi is very fresh”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?