House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
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Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
“That’s what” – She
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog鈥檚 feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
馃槑 馃嵒
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team鈥檚 logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i鈥檇 be upset
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he鈥檚 my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that鈥檚 a yes
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don鈥檛 touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.