[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
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“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011