My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
You Might Also Like
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Rich People Podcasts are wild.