[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I’m good, thanks.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?