*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
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T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.