House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
congratulations to them
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”