@DirtMcTurd: Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

@215potter: Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

@joejwest: CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad's in the audience [waves to dad] [orchestra goes crazy]

@Dr_powpow: I'm sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick.

@stevevsninjas: Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.