HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
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My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters