House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
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paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
smartest karate player in the world
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”