House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
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A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Hit me in the face with a bird