@JD_KC: House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
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@icrushedmyhalo: Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It's not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
@huntigula: [Donald Trump's election speech] "America, I have only 1 thing to say" *pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher* "YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D"
@lloydrang: Will I. Am's headstone will read "Will I. Was," completing history's longest set-up to a punchline
@michaeljhudson: Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo