[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
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Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably