Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
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Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.