“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
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My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
it was love at first sight
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.