Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
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I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Just say no
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.