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@daemonic3: Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
@CodyJP9412: HER: What're you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
@notorious_stars: My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped Wearing them
@WheelTod: Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering "Aren't you too pretty to be a Chancellor?"
@buckweiser13: I've been driving with a coca cola can stuck in snow on the roof of my car for a week cuz 7 thinks it makes us cops.
Stare all you want.
@tehaveragejoel: make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.