Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
You Might Also Like
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
me and who
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”