@TheCiscoKidder: How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don't have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
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@nbadag: *watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword* you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
@dyldonot: [girl brings me back to her apartment] her: come to bed me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
@bobvulfov: [funeral] WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he's gone ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck