How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
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I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
time for some seasonal decor
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.