@ramenfuneral: "how about an animal that looks like a cross between a horse and a barcode" - creator of zebras
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@Jake_Vig: THEM: Let's head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there. ME: What's the grass situation?
@hammbone84: Neighbor: I always see your kids outside but hardly ever see you out there. Me: Oh, that's because my doors lock from the inside.
@KaysNH: I thought I'd lose tons more weight if I drank extra glasses of water every day, but I guess I was just diluting myself.
@matt___nelson: Narrator: "Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution" [cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]