Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
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I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Plant care tips
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.