“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Safety first
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.