“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
A collection of me turning into random objects.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news