*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
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Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂