2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
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Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.