When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
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If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.