Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
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I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Super Hand Dog Face
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you