“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
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When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
wtf management?!
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
my one true gender
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.