~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
You Might Also Like
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.