“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.