How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
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me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best