“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
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ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I beg your pardon?
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
waiting for halloween be like:
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Happens to everyone.