*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Meanwhile in Portland…
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed