“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
You Might Also Like
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.