How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
You Might Also Like
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans