“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
You Might Also Like
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
im all 3
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.