How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Ha.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.