How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
You Might Also Like
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Ha
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.