How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
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They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
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Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
🤔😂😂
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.