How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
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Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring