Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
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I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Noah
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.