cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!