how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
it is time once again
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?