“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’