@jessokfine: How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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@WritePlay: "Why don't you cool it on the dressmaking," I suggested to my wife. "You seamstressed."
@daemonic3: Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
@huntigula: her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house? him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don't be ridiculous
@DanKCharnley: Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son. "Sir this is Urban Outfitters" Do you have any 'baes'? "Please leave"