@jessokfine: How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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@iamspacegirl: [Date Night] I poured us a bubble bath. Him: *sigh* is it Sprite again? *sipping seductively from tub with a krazy straw*: Just get in.
@NotARatsAss: My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, "Pull!"
@squirrel74wkgn: A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "You have lost a lot of blood." Me: "That's not good." Doctor: "It's not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen."