@jessokfine: How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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@sofarrsogud: WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn't real? It's just part of series of fantasy novels. ME: *chasing an owl around my garden* WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
@Rachelnoise: 15: MOM, WHERE'S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?! Me: Name THREE songs & I'll help you look for it. 15: ...
@Bollingmargaret: 3 year old daughter: “I want marijuana.” Me: “What did you say?” 3 year old: “Marijuana.” Me: “Huh? I don’t know what you’re asking for.” 3 year old gets remote and turns on Netflix and points to movie. Me: “OOOHHH...Moana!”