How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Customer is always right
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Butt weight. There’s more!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
me and my fake scenarios
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position