How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.