How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
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girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other