How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
You Might Also Like
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.