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men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[shakes fist at other fist]
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die