@gorrdano: How bout I hold a toaster over you while you're in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn't make me drop it.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school. 4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest? My wife: He cried the most.
@TragicAllyHere: Don't you hate when you're an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you're like, "nooooo, all my air guitars!"
@KrunkedRobot: Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
@Bob_Heller: Jesus loves me. This I know. For my neighbor told me so. Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down. I'm flattered...but straight.