@str8upjuggahos: How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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@nimble__nick: CW: I like your scarf. Me: Thanks, it's a CVS receipt. I didn't know what else to do with it.
@jonnysun: JESUS: today im going to walk on water JUDAS: NO DONT-- [jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]
@primawesome: Sorry I'm late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
@ScottyDsntKnow3: My wife thinks I'm too impulsive. How the hell would she know? We only met last week!