How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.