How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
You Might Also Like
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.