How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”