Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Cndnsd Mlk
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob